♥ Lost In Coma And Covered In Cake ♥

I stopped and looked over my shoulder
Something was missing
My heart started pounding faster
My breath take was getting harder
A feeling of ice running down my neck
Emptiness filling my entire body
My heart dissapeared

STOP..!

Feeling your hand in mine
My world is safe once again

The sky is getting dark

The air is getting colder

From my spot on the dock I can see the dark clouds getting closer

The wind is playing with the water

Seaweed is floating around on top of the waves

The old carnival on the harbour seems magical

I love the way the scarecrows keeps returning to the old Ferris Wheel

It’s as they are cursed to always coming back

The carnival is mysterious

Like someone’s dead in there

Like Love itself has been brutally murdered in there

I like the smell of blood there’s always hanging in the air

And I love to walk around the swings and the rollercoaster in the night

With the moon and the stars as the only light

The smell of blood and murder is tickling in my nostrils

The freezing air is cutting it’s way through my white dress

Wind is playing with my hair

And as I sit down in the Ferris Wheel cart it hits me

I will always return to this exact spot

I am a Scarecrow

Everything is silent

Everything is dark

The moonlight hits my face as a fist in a boxing-match

I can feel the wet grass between my toes

The fog is close this night

My nightdress is already sticking to my body

My pale skin makes me look like a ghost in the night

I feel drawn towards the sound of a barking dog

Dogs means humans

My walk is getting faster

Almost a running

I can almost feel it already

I can smell it now

It’s a male

He must be around the corner now

There he is, with his dog

He’s handsome, pale skin and black hair

He’s getting closer

I’m getting ready

I can feel the water running from my teeth

I jump

A scream, as my teeth cuts their way through his flesh

And the sweet taste of blood fills my mouth

His beautiful hands touches his neck

His beautiful neck

Around his beautiful neck is a chain

A necklace

Silver and vulnerable

From the necklace hangs a vial

A small vial of glass

The vial is a key

It contains a red, dark liquid

It contains my blood

It means that I belong to him

He owns me

With his black hair and hazel eyes

His beautiful hands and his beautiful neck

The vial with my blood, that follows him everywhere he goes

He is.........

The Keeper of My Soul

For eternity

Darkness is closing around me

Getting closer

Like Reality

The darkness is The Reality

The Pain is growing with my breath

Open my mouth to scream

The sound is only in my head

A tear on my cheek

Burning in my flesh

Closes my eyes, to past into a dream

Reality hits

A slap in the face

A pain worse than anything

He is really gone

I don’t know if I believe in God anymore

Or maybe I do, I just don’t love God anymore

Or maybe it’s just karma

Maybe I’ve been a really bad person

Maybe I truly deserve this

Maybe this means that later my life will be happy

Or maybe I’m not supposed to be happy at all

Maybe God hates me

Maybe God needs someone to let God’s anger out on

But in the end it really doesn’t matter

The answer could never take my pain away

I want so bad to let you know how I feel

Every day I look at your hazel eyes

I think about you with my every breath

I want you to hold me and say that it’s gonna be okay

I want to feel your hand in mine

I am constantly missing you

And every time my heart pounds

The pain in my existence grows stronger

I want so bad to let you know how I feel

But maybe that will never happen

I’m not even sure where you are right now

Probably in the other end of the world

I’m not even sure if you’ve got someone

I’m not even sure if you’re straight

But this part is the one that is truly killing me

You don’t even know that I exist

I’m not even sure if you’re going to

Maybe you never will

Then you will never know how I feel

That’s what kills me the most

The razor in my hand

The blood on the floor

The slit in my wrist

The pain is so certain

But the pain is not coming from the razor

The pain is not coming from the blood on the floor

The pain is not coming from my wrist

The pain is coming from my heart

The pain is coming from my soul

The pain is coming from my mind

It’s caused by my thought

It’s unbearable

It’s because of you

I have just put down the razor

Now I’m looking at my wrist

Looking at the open wound

The slit I did myself

I’m feeling my arm pounding

I can see my wrist becoming red and swollen at the exact spot

I can see the blood in the thin opening at my wrist

I can feel the pain in my heart

The pain in my soul

Getting released

Following the blood, down to my wrist

But only for a few seconds

And then it’s back

Back in my heart

Back in my soul

Cause it will never escape for good

But those few seconds

The seconds with burning pain in my wrist

The seconds with blood seeming unstoppable

The seconds with fear of getting caught

Those seconds are all worth it

These are seconds that my heart and soul feels free

These are seconds that my heart and soul feels light

The seconds that the pain can’t be felt in my heart and my soul

But when the seconds are over

The pain is back

And my emotional nightmare starts once again

I’m feeling squeezed from every angle

But I’m sitting in the middle of the city square

I’m feeling like I’m alone in the world

But there’s thousands of happy, shopping people around me

I’m feeling like I can’t breath

But still the oxygen reaches my nostrils

My heart is pounding with triple speed

But I’m not moving

I can’t hear anything

But people are talking, music is playing, birds are singing

No one hears me

But I’m screaming with all my voice

I’m feeling like I can’t move

But no one is holding me back

I’m feeling paralyzed

But still my entire body is shaking

I need to talk to somebody

But when I call up somebody, I don’t know what to say

I feel like running

But I can’t move from the spot I’m sitting at

People are just passing by me

Bumping into me

Doesn’t see my frustration

My fear

The would never get it

I’m trapped in another world

I’m trapped in the fist of sociophobia

The razor should be burning

My flesh should be burning

But even though I see the blood pebbling from my wrist

Turning the white towel red

My thoughts are all about one thing

HIM

He has paralyzed my brain

He has stopped my heart

The only pain that I can feel is in my heart

In my brain

In my soul

The blood that is still running in my veins is burning

It’s like he’s spreading from my heart through my veins

He’s running with my blood out to my entire body

I’m afraid to close my eyes

Cause I know that his beautiful face will burn out my eyeballs

His beautiful voice is making my ears exploding

He is inside me

He is inside my body

He is inside my veins

He is in my blood

He is in my flesh

He has taken over my mind

He has taken over my body

He has taken over my soul

I’m in his power

He is the burning pain that makes every other pain fade to nothing

He is the only one who can put my pain to sleep

He is the only one who can put this thing to an end

Looking down on the floor

There’s someone lying down there

Lying in a pool of blood

All crumbled down

A razor blade in her hand

Her black wings are broken

Her wrists are all slit open

On her cheek there’s a tear running from her eyes

But the tear is turning her milky skin dark red

She’s all quiet

Not a sound, not a move

Not even a breath

The lazars from her converse sneakers is red and slimy

Her skirt is torn, and her jeans are ripped of from the ankles to her knee

The air is freezing

And the feeling of freedom is around her

She looks so peaceful

Lying there, a smile on her lip

Her Doom

I see her face

And then it makes my guts turns

Her face….      It’s mine

My thoughts are all about you

Your long black hair

Your pale skin

Your grey eyes

Your beautiful voice

Your great laughter

Your cool sense of humour

Your comforting hand in mine

Your way of understanding every word I’m saying

Your way of bringing me to tears, just by your love

My thoughts are all about you

My love is all about you

You’re so far away

But you’re the one that I need

Your laughter is the one that I need to laugh with

Your hand is the one I need to hold

Your face is the one that I need to see

Your voice is the one that I need to hear

But it hurts

You’re so far away

It’s impossible for me to love you

But I still do

In my heart I know

That you’re the only one who can

Make my brain work

Make me breath

Make my insides stay where they belong

Make me smile again
Make my body function

Make my tears stop

Make me stop slitting my wrists

Make me stop being scared

Make me stop shaking

Make my pain go away

Make me go dancing in the rain

Make me sing

Make my tears dry, and my crying stop

Make me sleep without being anxious

Make me feel like continue living

You’re the one to guide me through the Hell they call life

Because you’re the one that I love more than life itself

It’s impossible for me to love you
But I still do

The date was the 3^rd of December 2006

I couldn’t do it with a knife, I couldn’t do it with a fix

But I knew that in my room I had the right kind of pill

I just hoped that I had enough to get myself killed

I wasn’t scared, I was just plainly sad

So much that when the pills went down my throat, I didn’t even feel bad

The only thing I could think of was: “Soon it’s all over”

I wasn’t doped, I was clean and sober

At the last point I hadn’t got anymore tears to cry

I was just waiting for my life and soul to take off and fly

I did know that what I did was wrong

But still I just wanted to sing my last song

I felt so ashamed that I couldn’t do a simple thing as ending my own life

Not even by pills, and not even by the stained blade of a knife

I was crying, screaming and throwing up for 24 straight hours

Still to this day I feel that the sweat wont be washed off by all The Worlds showers

I hate myself for putting the ones that I love through that kind of pain

But still I know, that soon I might try doing it again

I feel sorry for the people who would be crying over me

Oh, why couldn’t I just be a bat hanging from a tree

Two girls hanging from a tree

If you don’t like it, don’t look at me

The World was always mean and cruel

And then rope became their fuel

To get out of this sick place

Now you should see the happy look on their face

Never again life will be hard

In this, only our hearts played a part

They could never have the boy they loved

Really, that’s what made their black hearts stop

They wanted so much to have him looking at them, with his hazel eyes

When they realized he would never, they gave up their lives

He will never know, and that’s probably for his own best

We never wanted to put a stone to his chest

To them he were a Saving Vampire

With hi voice, he always sat their hearts on fire

They could never have loved anyone more

He is the one they truly adored

It’s not his fault, cause he never knew

The ones who did, were only a few

It never mattered if his hair were black or white

They always loved him, at every sight

His hair could be short, his hair could be long

In their eyes he never did anything wrong

He were their anti-drug

He were who they wanted to fuck

They never cared about his fame

But he’s still not to blame

They were fucking addicted to this boy

In their heads he were more than just a sex-toy

They loved so much to hear this boy sing

They loved the fact that he was doing his own thing

They knew that without this boy they couldn’t live

They felt that if they could never have him, The World had no more to give

They loved every inch of his beautiful body

With his cute smile, black nails and dark make-up he was the only one they would ever call a hotti

His beautiful voice always softened their hearts, but still they felt blue

They had to realize that he was never going to love them too

If he felt their pain, his heart would probably break

That’s a risk they would never take

They knew that he’s a boy who’s able to cry

His voice, his smile, his eyes – everything about him made them feel that they could fly

Without knowing it, he helped them through so much pain and tears

That might be the only part of this, they wished he hears

Even a funeral he helped one of the girls through

And that fact helped the other girl too

No matter where or when they thought he was cute

He is who they really loved, he were never just a famous dude

Now you all know that their feelings for this boy were true

The girls hoped that maybe someday he will hear their story too

I guess you understand that this singer-boy is the only one they could ever truly love

Now the girls are smiling at him from above

You make me feel like living

You make me feel like dying

You make me feel like screaming

You make me feel like flying

You make me feel like cutting

You make me feel like slitting

You make me feel like drawing

You make me feel like singing

You make me feel like bleeding

You make me feel like pleading

You make me feel like jumping

You make me feel like praying

You make me feel like hoping

You make me feel like kicking

You make me feel worthless

You make me feel like vomiting

You make me feel like writing

You make me feel inspired

You make me feel useless

You make me numb

You make me feel like dreaming

You make me feel like running

You make me feel like dancing

You make me feel like headbanging

You make me feel like sleeping

You make me feel like loving

You make me feel like killing

You make me feel like hating

You make me feel like fighting

But still you made me give up

Right now, in this very moment

My insides are crumbling

My feelings are inside out

My love has grown too strong to carry without you

My final day has come

He has announced that he’s got someone

A girl who’s not me

I just can’t let this be

I love that boy more than anything

The pain in my existence is paralyzing

To me he has always been perfectness and pure

To my love for him, there is no cure

He’s like a monster in my body, eating my insides up

Soon, all theirs is an empty shell, now there’s just the final job

He’s so beautiful and pale, like a vampire in the night

I could feel him in my spirit at the first sight

His black hair and white skin

Why won’t he let me in?

With a smart and bloody suit, a nailpolish like a starless night, black

If this is true, there’s no turning back

For me there’s nothing left

There’s nothing but tears, flames, anger and love in my hurting chest

I feel like cutting my wrists to try and control my pain

In this life, for me, there’s nothing left to gain

He were the one to tell me, what true love means

And I thought that one day you would show me what it feels like, but instead you made me scream

Inside me there’s an inner struggle of love and hate

But still I sit, asking for God to remember for what I prayed

In a second my life was over

As fast as back when he got sober

His beautiful face is burning on my eyelids

The way he does, I know that no one else, for me, fits

I know that on the inside he’s nothing but a boy

And all over the world, girls, just sees him as some kind of a toy

But to me he’s not

To me he’s more than just a famous dude who’s hot

To me he’s my life, my breath, my soul

In my life, he’s the golden goal

But if he is with someone, he will never be mine

And I feel that, that has got to be the final sign

My time has come, I’m meant to die

Now there’s nothing left, but to say goodbye

Your cold hand in mine. Starring into your deep grey eyes. Our breaths are clear in the cold air. The zombies in my head are dying to get out. We are trapped in our love. You say to me that we could just drive to The End of The World, and get it over with. Our hearts are exploding from desire. He is everything we ever wanted, but now we know. We will never have this guy.

The letter we have written is soaked from our bitter tears. The World will never approve of us, no matter what. This is our last rainy day.

We’ve got everything we need, before we get on our Last Trip, to The End of The World, where we’ll find our peace. The World has been a bitch to us for too long. We’ve had enough. Can’t and won’t take this crap any longer.

We get on the bus, with the wires in our bag. The ghettoblaster in the seat. Holding each others hands, knowing that soon our pain will be gone. We’ve stopped crying, and there’s smiles on our faces. We know that we won’t suffer much longer. Soon we’re by the tree on the hill. We’ve posted the letter. But our families won’t get it before it’s too late. Thet’s the point. We are the broken, the beatened and the damned.

The tree on the hill is as dead as our insides. There’s snow falling in our hair. The sun is sparkling beautifully in the snow on the dead grass. We’re glad that this is the last place we will ever see from this World. We’re smiling at each other.

We turn on the ghettoblaster on the ground. Puts on “Demolition Lovers” by My Chemical Romance, and starts binding the wires around the sticks in the tree. When we’re done we take each others hands, put our arms around each other, for one last hug. One last cry. To the sound of Gerard Way’s beautiful voice.

Finally we’re on the chairs. The wires around our necks. Our breaths are clear in the cold winter air.  I can feel your hand in mine. I look at you, and I see your beautiful steel-grey eyes staring back at me.

We start counting, still looking into each others eye. On the count of three we jump together. We can feel our necks breaking. Everything goes black. We can hear the sweet sound of Gerard singing:

“And as we’re touching hands, I’ll see your eyes. I’ll meet your eyes. I mean this…   forever..!”

And we’re gone.

This is the end for us.

Forever…